Suggestions: How we work

DO: Positive self-concept — which includes resilience, optimism, and persistence — is associated with success. How you see yourself and how you approach life, both its potential and its problems, are what matters. Seeing yourself as a leader, a hard worker, or a contributor to team efforts, and as someone who gets up to try again after failure and setbacks, is good self-concept in action, even if you do not feel very good about yourself in the moment.

DON'T: Self-esteem is overrated in parenting and education today. Despite the desperate worry some adults have about the self-esteem of the children in their care, it is not strongly associated with either happiness or success. Gang leaders, bullies, and pathological narcissists may score high in self esteem.

DO: Before providing new feedback or, especially, re-direction, first understand your own spirit and values: are they helpful or critical? Do they balance maintaining safety with supporting talent?

Then, clearly cite the positive skills currently being displayed, after which supply feedback or re-direction in a respectful tone.

For the child who just ran across the classroom and jumped over a chair (assuming no one was hurt and no furniture was damaged): "You are so quick! Your jump over that chair was like an athlete! You figured out how to do it — the distance and timing  —perfectly.... And that is the last time you are running and jumping in the classroom. Running and jumping are for outside play, or in the gym if the activity allows. It is my job to keep everyone safe here. But I will be happy to check out your amazing moves outside if you remind me!"

DO: Describe the actual observation you made when giving feedback to a mentee. This shows that you actually paid attention and that you respect people developing their own internal motivation.

For example: "When you spoke to your colleague about how she moved the project forward, you pointed out that she proposed a sequence of steps that was so clear, everyone understood it immediately as demonstrated by few questions; they were able to move right into refining it."

DON'T: Use the phrase "good job" sparingly. Use "good job" only when you truly feel it in your heart or know it convincingly in your mind. Otherwise, it is meaningless, insincere, careless to the point of laziness, and supports people doing well only when they get external praise.

DO: It is important to embrace both time with others and time alone. Because most people are stronger in one area or the other, we all need to work on one side or the other more to strengthen it and balance it in our lives.

DON'T: Emphasizing either time with others or time alone, to the exclusion of the other, is not the best idea for most people. Never having reflective moments, or keeping to oneself as a way of life, are impoverishing. And technology can interfere with (or support) both relationships and alonetime.